Love and Wood

Love and Wood

by Erica Lauren McLaughlin

Scene One

The stage space is separated into two opposing worlds. Stage right we see the interior of Patrick’s apartment, fully detailed and approaching “theatrical realism” until it reaches center stage, where it fades into the stage left side, where there is no scenery, just the stage floor, with the exception of Antonio’s simple wooden chair. A semi-plain couch sits center stage between the two environments.

Patrick sits stage right at a desk, with papers, writing utensils and post-it notes scattered all over it. Morgan sits on the couch. Antonio is seen sitting, relaxed, but not slumped in his chair stage left.

Morgan has just come down from her upstairs apartment to talk to Patrick who had previously been working, editing his writing. He has stopped, put his work aside, and Morgan and Patrick have gone into their routine: coffee, confessions and insults. Morgan has made herself comfortable, and Patrick is eagerly waiting to hear what she has to say. She looks at Patrick, he sighs. She looks at Antonio and begins.

MORGAN

Well, no, it’s not him. But it’s definitely not me. It’s not working out. It was going alright at first and then, well he... well, now it just seems really complicated.

PATRICK

Have you told him yet? (Nothing.) No? Ok. Well are you still screwing him?

MORGAN

What does that have to do with the issue Patrick?

PATRICK

Are you?

MORGAN

Have you ever considered that it might be rude to ask a lady about her deep, personal experiences?

PATRICK

So now you are a lady.

MORGAN

Patrick, don’t underestimate me. I can be quite the lady when given the opportunity.

PATRICK

I bet.

MORGAN

That’s right.

PATRICK

But not deep or personal. (She gives him a look.) So are you letting him hit that or... letting him hit that?

MORGAN

Why?

PATRICK

Answer.

MORGAN

No! A little. Well, no, not for at least a week... I’ve been making excuses. I don’t see what difference it makes if I was doing him or not. I mean either way this is mostly his fault... Do you know what he said to me...? (Lights up on Antonio, who interrupts. Patrick does not hear or see him)

ANTONIO

So. Come here. (Morgan looks at him and is suddenly in his world. Her tone changes to something much harder as she speaks)

MORGAN

No.

ANTONIO

Why not?

MORGAN

I’m fine right here.

ANTONIO

Is it something I said?

MORGAN

No.

ANTONIO

Is it something I did?

MORGAN

No.

ANTONIO

Well come here.

MORGAN

Nope.

ANTONIO

What’s wrong with you?

MORGAN

I’m fine right here.

ANTONIO

You don’t look fine.

MORGAN

I’m tired is all.

ANTONIO

Me too.

MORGAN

Really? From what?

ANTONIO

Working.

MORGAN

Right.

ANTONIO

So. Now... I need you. To love me.

MORGAN

Because it will make you less tired?

ANTONIO

Because I need you.

MORGAN

In a minute.

ANTONIO

What’s wrong with you? (No answer. He slumps in his chair.)

PATRICK

Morgan. Stop. (Beat. She comes back to him) If you are screwing him, why are you wasting my time with this? You know what I am saying? Yea. You know what I am saying.

MORGAN

Patrick. Listen. Let me just explain it to you.

PATRICK

Oh, please do!

MORGAN

You’re being such a prick.

PATRICK

Morgan, would you go ahead?

MORGAN

Don’t treat me like I am an idiot.

PATRICK

I’m not treating you like an idiot. I am treating you like my friend, Morgan, who came over here and interrupted my progress to confess all her sins or something, but then ended up insulting me the whole time and changing the damn subject. Tell your story Morg. (Nothing.) Hey, lookie here, this is me trying to help.

MORGAN

Oh. I’m sorry. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

PATRICK

Aww Jesus and Joseph. What, Morgan? What are you doing again?

MORGAN

You know what? Forget it. If you are gonna have that attitude about it, maybe I should just go home. I want to go home.

ANTONIO

Don’t. Stay.

MORGAN

(She starts for her things, then instantly is right back.)You know, I come over here to talk to you because sometimes, on your good days... part of your brain computes what it is I’m saying. But sometimes –and when I say sometimes I mean right now -- you start acting like him and thinking with your prick! (Antonio sits up straight)

ANTONIO

(Slowly, then gradually picking up speed and intensity) What’s wrong with you? (Pause. She looks at him.) What is wrong with you? What’s wrong? (Pause) You? With you? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with you? What is your problem? You know something. You know something? You wanna know? (Pause) Happiness, is just a state of mind baby girl. You know. Happiness is not a reward --it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment --it is a result. Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. It takes about point two muscles to smile, about a 150 million to frown. What’s your problem? What’s your problem? It’s simple. It’s a simple problem. We can be happy. Be easy baby girl. Relax. You! Yea, You. Me? (No.) You. What’s wrong? (Antonio freezes as if screaming as Patrick speaks)

PATRICK

Sit down. I’m sorry. Morgan, I’m not the enemy. (She stares back at him, still standing.)

ANTONIO

Something is not right Morgan. (He stares at her awaiting a response)

PATRICK

It’s just that you came over here freaking out and I just have alot of work to do, I mean my mind is in alot of different places. I mean you do realize you are freaking out, right Morgan? So I am sorry if this is really bothering you; I didn’t mean to make you any more upset...

MORGAN

You all never do, do you?

PATRICK

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

MORGAN

I mean, he probably doesn’t mean to be the prick that he is either...

ANTONIO

Come here, please.

PATRICK

My God, Morgan, will you stop saying “prick”!

MORGAN

Excuse me. I’m sorry I can’t help it. It is the absolute best way to describe a penis. Prrrrrrrrick prick PRICK! (She laughs at the ridiculousness of the word and sings it softly, taunting him with it)

ANTONIO

What did you call me?

MORGAN

Prick!

ANTONIO

I am not the enemy. (Morgan continues the prick song, Antonio sticks his fingers in his ears)

PATRICK

Eww. Morgan, it’s gross. Cut it out. (She continues. She is wild.) Morgan? Stop it. What is this “liberating” you or something? You want me to start saying it too? Fine. (He sings along with her)

MORGAN

No no. See you can’t say it. Not like me.

PATRICK

Why the hell not? (He continues to sing the “prick song” but it becomes harder and slower. Morgan stops him.)

MORGAN

Because prick means you. You and him. (Antonio stands, offended) I had faith in you though, I mean I guess I thought I would come over here and you would make it all better or funnier or something. Why do I even bother?

PATRICK

Why do you bother with what?

MORGAN

Damn you Pat!

PATRICK

What? Me? Wait a minute,

PATRICK and ANTONIO

What is wrong with you?

MORGAN

What’s wrong with me? Why are you being an ass Patrick?

PATRICK

Morgan, I am trying to help! That is not fair. Shit, what is the problem?

MORGAN

You made me get like this! (She charges at Patrick) Why did you let me get like this! When did I get like this! When... (She runs out of steam as Patrick rushes into her and takes her in his arms. She is comfortable for a moment, then slowly guides Patrick’s arms down and walks over the edge of the stage.) Dammit! You know, for me, he used to be enough. The simplicity of the two of us... We were just so basic. So what if the best time that Antonio and I spent together was when we were having sex... I mean that’s how it should be, right? Ok really Pat, who cares if we have long boring conversations about life with each other, sitting there contemplating things that are never gonna be resolved in our lifetime, things that won’t matter when we all are dead in our graves! (Antonio comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her. He caresses her.) I like sex Patrick. I like it alot. And if I close my eyes and feel him all over and all around and inside, it makes me feel, it gives me life. Just like love. Isn’t that funny? We should just screw our brains out and then we won’t have to worry about thinking, just feeling... Don’t get me wrong, thinking is great and all, but we could all just have sex and make babies and leave something in this world. You following me? Something concrete that lives, and that breathes. I have dreams Patrick, of babies and tiny little hands clutching to my fingers, clutching me, never letting go. Needing me. That’s not so bad. I could live that life. Patrick, I could do that. I mean can we not be satisfied with ourselves until we accomplish something impossible? Antonio has probably got it exactly right... we should just stick to the basics. Forget that complicated love. Just: sex.

ANTONIO

So now you want to? (She pulls loose of him)

MORGAN

Maybe this isn’t working out because I am thinking about it too much. Does that happen to you?

PATRICK

What?

MORGAN

Thinking too much.

PATRICK

No way. (Beat.) I mean come on, I’m way too busy. I have my job. I have to... well, go grocery shopping. I have you. Lot’s of stuff to do...

MORGAN

You have me huh?

PATRICK

Yep. Well you do come up here everyday... You’re a part of my routine.

MORGAN

I see.

PATRICK

I mean... a good part.

MORGAN

I see. So what if I didn’t come up anymore?

PATRICK

I would see you on the street. Or in the hall. I could spy on you, you know. I know where you live...

MORGAN

What if I moved?

PATRICK

What is your point?

MORGAN

Do you need me Patrick?

ANTONIO

You are so sexy.

PATRICK

What do you mean, “need”?

ANTONIO

Come and love me. I need you to.

MORGAN

Stop it! What does anyone ever mean--?

PATRICK

Yea.

MORGAN

Yea?

PATRICK

Of course.

MORGAN

Of course?

PATRICK

That’s what I said.

MORGAN

Ok. How?

PATRICK

How what Morgan? I thought we were supposed to be talking about you, and Antonio—

MORGAN

Answer the question.

ANTONIO

Relax.

PATRICK

How WHAT?!

MORGAN

How do you need me!?

PATRICK

Like I need the sun. For chrissakes Morgan! What is the deal with you today! I need you like I need... skin. Ok? You are the best friend I have had in a long time. And you are beautiful. Okay? But I think this whole situation, and this guy... He’s really disrupted you. Look I’m sorry Morg. I’m sorry you have to deal with shit. But you want to know how I really need you? I need you to be stronger. Cause this...

MORGAN

You think I’m beautiful?

PATRICK

As a blood red sunset. (He laughs.) Did you hear anything I just said?

MORGAN

Something about me being beautiful?

PATRICK

That. Yes. And how I wish you would just cut things off with that degenerate so that our encounters could go back to being slightly more pleasant.

MORGAN

We have good times don’t we?

PATRICK

Morgan, if you came down here to flirt with me, I have alot of things to do. I will be happy to flirt tomorrow after this proposal is finished.

MORGAN

Testy. testy.

ANTONIO

Morgan?

PATRICK

Morgan!

MORGAN

Yes? (He pauses. She smiles at Patrick, enticing him to make the next move.)

PATRICK

Morgan, why don’t you tell me what’s going on.

MORGAN

I’m trying to! That’s why I came down here. To get your advice...

PATRICK

Ohhhh. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to the Patrick Hollin super-duper advice machine! For only five flimsy dollars, Patrick Hollin will spend two whole hours telling you your future, and making you coffee!

MORGAN

Ugh.

PATRICK

Please insert money into Patrick’s boxer shorts to make all your dreams come true! Large bills are accepted, but out of all the things Patrick can do with what’s inside his boxers ladies, making change is not one of them.

MORGAN

And I was just starting to think you were getting de-prick-i-fied.

PATRICK

That sounds painful...

MORGAN

Shut up and listen!

PATRICK

Ok, ok. I am gonna be a good boy now. Sit down and listen. Go ahead.

MORGAN

Ok. (Beat.) Damn! Well, now I don’t know what to say. Ok. There is him. And there is me. He is just not what I expected. There isn’t anything--I dunno alive maybe--there is nothing significant about him. Significant is not the word I mean....Creative, you know? There is nothing creative about him. (She is dissatisfied.) Original? No, hell...he is original all right. (She looks at Antonio who has put his hand down his pants) Heh. Ok, look. Over there. See that chair?

PATRICK

The chair? (She impatiently motions to him to look at it.) Ok fine I see the damn chair.

MORGAN

Good. Now, you see the one over there; see how it’s all plain, and boring, and necessary? Pretty useful, everyday and, and purposeful?

PATRICK

It’s a chair.

MORGAN

Exactly! And see that one... someone designed that chair. Someone conceived that chair in their mind and felt the texture of that wood against their hands as they carefully crafted it; there was a someone who made that chair who wanted us to enjoy it. He would never make that chair.

PATRICK

Utilitarian.

MORGAN

Sure. Fine.

ANTONIO

Relax baby girl. Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

MORGAN

(To Patrick)You always say such smart things. I waste an hour with words, and then you simply just say your one smart thing and it’s all over.

PATRICK

Sorry.

MORGAN

Nope. Really, it’s fine Patrick. I think it’s cute.

PATRICK

Oh, sure you do. Please don’t go all “I’m-on-the-rebound-hitting-on-all-my-friends” with me.

MORGAN

Do you see what I mean, the whole chair thing? Antonio is just so simple. It’s like love and wood...

PATRICK

I don’t even want to know what those two have to do with each other.

MORGAN

I mean that’s what he is good for. He really likes to work with his hands. Bang a hammer. Bang at me. But he could never build that chair.

PATRICK

I don’t even know if I would build that chair.

MORGAN

Patrick. I think your chair would be far more complicated. Cause you are far more complicated. He should be more like you.

PATRICK

More like me? Me?

MORGAN

Yea. I mean, you should be like each other. You two together would be the man of my dreams...

ANTONIO

What are you thinking about?

PATRICK MORGAN

Why should I be like him? ...the two of you would be perfect...

MORGAN
Well, you know. More... I don’t know... well you know he is just more... aggressive—no you are aggressive...in your way...

PATRICK MORGAN

Completely nuts? ...demanding...

ANTONIO

You can tell me.

MORGAN

I’m ok.

PATRICK

Huh?

ANTONIO

Morgan, Relax. Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

MORGAN

Hold on. Sexual. That’s it! He is more sexual. You and I have a great relationship: mentally, emotionally, you know all those good things. And he does all the umm, physical stuff... (She is on a roll) not that you aren’t physical, he is just all physical. You know what I mean?

PATRICK

This is disgusting.

MORGAN

But really, Pat. If you two had a little of one another in you...

PATRICK MORGAN

I don’t want anything of him in me... You would be perfect. Absolutely perfect.

PATRICK

So what are you gonna do Morgan? Date the both of us? Which one of us is better Morgan?

MORGAN

What do you mean “which”?

PATRICK

Say I was more of a sex monster and he was the friendly neighbor who gives you advice and pats you on the shoulder all the time... would you want to date me then? Or him?

MORGAN

What are you getting at?

PATRICK

Would I be your man because we’ve connected so deep on all these “good”, cute, emotional levels first or would the sex-driven man hammer win because he’s been giving it to you good every night...?

MORGAN

What do you mean, “win” Patrick?

PATRICK

I just... You use me. I don’t think you can have one of us without the other. (Antonio exits. Morgan watches him go.)

MORGAN

You’re being crazy.

PATRICK

You know it’s the truth Morgan. Dammit! You are fuckin’ us both! You drop your drawers for him and you come over here and fuck with my head! You’re so damn confusing... Tell me something Morgan— if you thought I was good in the sack would you...

MORGAN

STOP IT! Patrick cut it out! Just stop!

PATRICK

Ok. Fine I quit Morgan. Sorry.

MORGAN

You don’t even... besides... shit... come on Patrick, you don’t even like girls!

PATRICK

You don’t know what I like!

MORGAN

Well you don’t like me.

PATRICK

Nope.

MORGAN

What about that one time when you kissed me?

PATRICK

That was before I knew how nasty you were.

MORGAN

Please, Pat. I have always been nasty.

PATRICK

Well you didn’t look so nasty then.

MORGAN

Oh yea? How did I look?

PATRICK

You were beautiful.

MORGAN

Beautiful huh? Well then we should have done it. Right then and there.

PATRICK

You never stop.

MORGAN

I never stop what? What? Pat, what is wrong with me? Come on tell me, help me out here.

PATRICK

Ok Morgan, you are blowing this thing way out of proportion.

MORGAN

What thing? Are we having a thing? I just want to know what the deal is... (Antonio re-enters with hope) I never stop what? What is it Pat? I mean maybe that’s what this whole thing is about. Maybe if I figure it out than I can stop driving everyone nuts.

PATRICK

You don’t drive me nuts, Morgan.

MORGAN

Ok, fine. You’re probably just about the only one.

PATRICK

Morgan...

MORGAN

It’s true.

PATRICK

Stop it. You’re amazing.

MORGAN

Well then, how come we never had sex?

PATRICK

What?

MORGAN

You know. I think all the time about the day we kissed. It was beautiful, and romantic, and I thought it would go further... but it didn’t. So I gave up on us. You know, I mean all this time I really thought you were... I mean I just thought maybe you didn’t like women...

PATRICK

I kissed you Morgan...

MORGAN

Well, I’m just not used to...

PATRICK

Oh I see. You want me to throw you down on a bed and rip all your clothes off and make you turn around so I won’t have to look into your eyes or anything “beautiful” or “romantic” like that. Is that what you want? Huh? You want me to throw you down on a plain boring bench and call you names and harass you all day...bang a hammer to prove something to you? Why do you keep fucking with me Morgan? Why am I not good enough for you?

MORGAN

I didn’t even say that... it’s just different...

PATRICK

Different, what the hell does that mean Morgan? What does it mean? (He grabs at her shirt and pulls her towards him.)

MORGAN

Let me go Patrick...

PATRICK

Isn’t this what you want? You’ve been pushing me all night...

MORGAN

I want you to let me go. (She struggles with him, and he accidentally hits her in the face with his elbow. She is angry and starts to use all of her might to pull away from him and get out of the door. She is not strong enough.) What the hell did that prove Patrick? Let me go! (He tries to hold her and calm her down. She is tired of struggling.) Fuck! Just do it Patrick! Get it over with! Do it! Fucking get it over with! (He lets her go.) Now what? Come on baby.

PATRICK

Stop it.

MORGAN

Come on dammit, you got me all ready... now what?

PATRICK

This is not nice Morgan.

MORGAN

Come on, prick.

PATRICK

This is ugly.

MORGAN

It’s how I like it.

PATRICK

I don’t want this.

MORGAN

Oh I see.

PATRICK

Stop it.

MORGAN

Screw you.

PATRICK

Screw you. Get out.

MORGAN

I told you that you didn’t like women. (He charges at her and takes her down to the ground, thrusting his body onto hers. He lies on top of her and stares hard and deep like a detective into her eyes, as if looking for something to prevent him from hurting her. He is shaking. She stares back at him, not protesting, but rather challenging him. He accepts as he kisses her forcefully. She accepts. Lights out.)

Scene Two

Patrick is on the couch, upside down, his feet on the couch cushions and his head spilling off. Antonio is laid out across his chair, asleep, almost looking dead. Morgan is lying on the floor, and he is watching her sleep. He talks to her, quietly, as not to wake her.

PATRICK

You are beautiful. I want to keep you that way. I don’t want you to change because I’m changing. I love the very idea of you. You know what’s strange? I am afraid my brain is not big enough to remember every word you say, each smile that drags across your face. Like I am always catching up, trying to imprint it all on my memory.

I want to be like you. You know what you want. You know yourself. You go back and forth with reason when you are with me, but in your soul, you know. I don’t have a soul. I don’t know what I want, like you.

You want me. (Pause.)

I want to want you, but I don’t. I want to be you, to be like you, to be around you. I’m not jealous of Antonio. I’m jealous of you. You’re a cat. You lead many lives. You land on your feet. You’re furry. Ha! Warm. I’m a stray. I’m lost. I have no home. I want to come home, Morgan. (The lights fade.)

Scene Three

Lights up. Antonio’s chair is gone. Patrick is awake, sitting straight up on the couch, over Morgan who is laying on the floor, asleep. He is still mumbling something to himself. Suddenly he looks out over the audience, pauses, and speaks slowly and forcefully, as if the words were being involuntarily demanded out of him by a common torturer.

PATRICK

I am a g..g...gate. (Pause.) I am a straaaay. (Pause. Morgan rolls over on the floor. To Morgan) I’m gate. I’m stray. Stray. Gate. Straight! (long pause.)Straaaay. I am a stray man.

MORGAN

(Morgan shifts her feet around and turns her head away from him. She speaks, and it sounds more like a moan than coherent thought.) Go to sleep.

PATRICK

I’m stray.

MORGAN

Huh? (Patrick looks terribly uncomfortable)

PATRICK

I’m G. A.... Aaaa.... S... T...R...

MORGAN

You have gas?

PATRICK

Gayst.

MORGAN

Lay down.

PATRICK

I can’t.

MORGAN

What’s wrong? Lay down.

PATRICK

I want...you to know that I am ga... gambling. I’m a gambler man.

MORGAN

Wow. You need some sleep.

PATRICK

Morgan.

MORGAN

Come to bed please. You’re being ridiculous.

PATRICK

I’m not straight Morgan.

MORGAN

Well then move your feet down to the bottom of the bed, and put your head right here. Next to mine. You will feel better. It’s a much nicer view. Glad I could get this all straightened out. (She giggles to herself and rolls over, half laughing, half yawning)

PATRICK

Morgan. Sit up please.

MORGAN

You can’t make me. (She laughs, pins him down and attempts to kiss him. He moves away, serious.)

PATRICK

Wake up Morgan.

MORGAN

(angry)I was born awake.

PATRICK

Yes, I suppose that’s true. (Silence. Morgan rolls over on her back, clearly exhausted of this nonsense. A moment, then:) I’m gay. (Morgan sits up.)

MORGAN

Take that back.

PATRICK

Morgan, I’m gay.

MORGAN

It’s not funny.

PATRICK

Morgan. I’m serious.

MORGAN

No. You’re not. You love me. You love a woman. (silence.)What the fuck? Did you have this epiphany somewhere in my underwear last night?

PATRICK

No.

MORGAN

What the hell? Are you shitting me?

PATRICK

You’re being very irrational.

MORGAN

Fuck rational! This is not a funny joke Patrick.

PATRICK

That’s right, its not.

MORGAN

I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me.

PATRICK

I thought you knew.